The Unhappiest People on Earth?

Is the definition of success in direct dis-proportion to an individual's sense of self-worth?

I ask this question because I am increasingly concerned about the surge of get-rich schemes, books, blog posts, podcasts and pop-ups that throng the internet and even the shelves of bookshops.
Is there a gross dissatisfaction amongst the populous? Why are people who already have money apparently desperate to have more? When is enough enough?

I have a theory that the success defined by capitalism (that is, the amount of wealth you can personally create) is an indicator of the hollow emptiness in the lives of people who believe that materialism is the key to happiness. You don't have to go far to see the impact of this ideology: any number of ads on TV, in magazines, on websites or on hoardings along the high street aim to convince us that having more is essential to your happiness and your well-being.

Well, if that's the case, then it completely rules out the chance of happiness or well-being for anyone who happens to be in a wage bracket that doesn't allow for spending on this scale - but why shouldn't less financially-advantaged people be able to access happiness and well-being?

Just given the stories of wealthy individuals who are patently unhappy doesn't convince me that financial success equals happiness - so, just what is going on and what are all these get-rich perpetrators trying to achieve or convince us of - that I can't possibly be happy in my present circumstances...? Or are they just the unhappiest people on earth inviting us to their party?

That begs a definition of happiness, I guess, but I started by asking a question about the definition of success.

I love Bob Dylan's quote:

A man is a success if he gets up in the morning and goes to bed at night
and in between does what he wants to do.

 

Although one could argue that a man who has experienced the success that he has can say anything he likes about success and get away with it. What is success to the common man?

 

A guy I once knew demonstrated for me what I believe is success: he was a cleaner at a school I once worked at. He did the very best he could at that job and he did it cheerfully. He was one of the most popular people in the school. He worked very hard, he enjoyed what he did and he tried to make sure that what he did made others happy. In giving happiness, he received much in return: popularity, thanks, appreciation, warmth - and, I'm sure, happiness. For me, he was a successful human being. Just how successful is open to interpretation but, if he continues in that vein, surely, that man will die happy.

 

I'm not here to define success or happiness - just simply to question the status quo. Personally, I know that money does not make me happy - people I share my life with make me happy (see my last post).

 

Comments welcome...!

Posting Happiness

I started this blog with every intention of maintaining regular and frequent updates but it's obvious to any passer-by that my posts are neither frequent nor regular. With the intention still in mind, I have perused my 'happiness' notes and come up with a few titles for future posts. Hopefully, this will motivate and inspire me to get writing more often. Have a look through the following and let me know what you think. If you have any ideas or comments about this blog, please comment!

'thank your way to happiness'

'happy are the blessed'

'the happiness of being you'

'the integrity of happiness'

'the harmony of happiness'

'the happiness of laughter'

'know sorrow - know happiness'

'the simplicity of happiness'

'barriers to happiness'

'the happy giver'

'hatred, worry, greed and moaning - the enemies of happiness'

'happiness is the key to success'

'forgive and be happy'

'the happiness of togetherness'

'healthy, wealthy and wise - and happy'

'the happiness of belief'

'the unhappiness of money'

'unhappy success'

'the happiness of contentment'

'the happiness habit'

'happiness is wanting what you get'

'happiness is not in things'

'the happiness of doing'

'make up your mind to be happy'

'the talent of happiness'

'is happiness a personality trait?'

Random Acts of Happiness

Be kind whenever possible. It is always possible.

~ Dalai Lama ~

At the end of the film, 'Evan Almighty', God (in the form of Morgan Freeman - who else?) appears to Evan Baxter, telling him that the way to change the world is by doing one Act of Random Kindness ('ARK') at a time. Previously, Evan had been successfully elected to Congress on the back of his slogan, 'Change the World', but, green as he was, came up against fellow congressmen whose motives were not altogether altruistic. Throughout the film, Evan's conscience is challenged by his own expectations, the demands of his colleagues - and God. There is also a beard involved - but you need to watch the film yourself.

Two things strike me about the film:

Firstly, Evan's motives are altruistic; although he seeks power, he wants it for the right reasons. He really does want to change the world and make it a better place for everyone.

Secondly, Evan has preconceptions and plans about how to achieve his goals: his life is mapped out, he is regimental about his routine, he expects things to work out. However, this 'tunnel vision mentality' leaves little room for flexibility, opportunity or surprise. Consequently, God appearing on the scene really does shake him up. (But isn't that what God is meant to do?)

Eventually, Evan discovers (with God's help) that changing the world doesn't require monumental government-driven schemes, but the right attitude, a belief in oneself and the balls to do something differently without giving a tuppence for what anyone else thinks. And, although it doesn't say so explicitly in the film, Evan (and a whole lot of other people) are happier because of his change of mentality. His driven-ness changed and he responded more to real and concerning events than to his own idea of a plan.

The whole world needs kindness but it seems in short supply, especially given the driven nature of 21st century commerce and industry, which leaves little time or space for what makes people happy - people strive for happiness in their spare time and often miss.

Miss or miss out? Perhaps the latter: we miss out on opportunities to be kind, to be random in our kindness, to find that happiness is in the very act of being kind rather than the fruitful search for happiness. Perhaps we should encourage each other to be a little more random and liberal with our kindness: who cares who the beneficiary is? If it changes a life, it changes the world.

One of my all-time favourite quotes is from one of my favourite thinkers, Plato:

'Be kind, for everyone you meet is fighting a hard battle.'

It's true. None of us really knows what the other person is going through: only as much they are prepared to wear on their shirt sleeves. All of us are fighting battles of one kind or another. Everyone of us would benefit from a small act of kindness every day. Each of us can also be that benefactor - it doesn't take much. Aesop, that great story-teller and teacher, states:

'No act of kindness, however small, is ever wasted.'

And the Dalai Lama proposed that we:

'Be kind whenever possible. It is always possible.'

He also stated a practical application:

'If you want others to be happy, practice compassion. If you want to be happy, practice compassion.'

Not that I am the resident expert, but I can honestly say that I am happier when I am kinder. Booker T. Washington found the same:

'I began learning long ago that those who are happiest are those who do the most for others.'

So, will you join with me in applying the lessons Evan learnt and being a little more random in our kindness and finding that, in fact, random acts of happiness lead to random experiences of happiness?

How have you experienced someone else's random act of kindness?

How have you proved that random acts of kindness create happiness?

Please share, or comment on, this post.

Thanks for reading...

The Discipline of Happiness

The happiest people don't necessarily have the best of everything;

they just make the best of everything they have.

(Anonymous)

I often come across quotes about happiness on Twitter (it's clearly a trending topic) and one that crops up regularly is the well-known perspective of Abraham Lincoln:

'Most folks are as happy as they make up their minds to be.'

Whilst researching for this blog post, I even came across a page of happiness quotes. My personal favourite is the anonymous aphorism at the head of this post and there are numerous variations of that one, too.

A couple of years ago, it would never have occurred to me that happiness is a choice. However, more recently (probably as a result of social networking), the concept has been lodged in my brain and I am pretty convinced it's true: happiness is, indeed, a choice.

Let me explain how I came about this.

Years ago, small (and not-so-small) things would distress me: missed opportunities, failures, disappointment, mistakes, unrequited love! Nowadays, well into middle age and with years of experience behind me, I tend to view such occasions with a little more pragmatism: perhaps because I've become more philosophical in my outlook - although certainly not cynical. This is as a result of choosing my response to what happens in my life. I'm not sure how the change happened: it must have been subtle. However, it really is the fact that I now choose how I respond to what life throws at me with considerably more wisdom than in my youth. Perhaps experience has taught me that my response has a direct impact on how I ultimately feel.

Behaviour psychologists use a formula:

E + R = O

Event + Response = Outcome

Events happen and much of what happens has little to do with us. However, our response to events has everything to do with us and, consequently, the eventual outcome is directly influenced by our response.

Consider the driver who cuts you up on the road and causes you to swerve. He or she is nameless and, for many, the object of our pithy derision at their inconsiderate driving. Yes, I could throw insults at the driver and shake my head at his or her apparent incompetence. This will have no effect whatsoever on the driver but will, without a doubt, have a negative impact on how I'm feeling and, if I don't do anything about it, could actually ruin my day. On the other hand, I could shake my head and, at the same time, shake the whole thing off, choosing not to let it affect my journey. I really have no idea why or how the driver behaved in the way they did: for all I know, they could be rushing to hospital to see a dying relative.

By choosing to respond in this way, the event had no lasting negative effect on my emotions, my actions or the outcome of my day: it is just an incidental event that caused hardly a blip on the canvas that is my day. I choose what I put on that canvas - not what happens to me.

This principle can be applied to our well-being, our contentment, our happiness. I don't have to allow life to control the way I feel. I can choose to control the way I respond to what I experience and I can choose to control the way I feel about it.

'The traffic is dreadful. Fine. I can live with that. I'll switch my attention from the traffic to what's on the radio or CD.'

'The train is late. Fine. I might be late but no one has died. I'll read a book while I'm waiting.'

'Someone has hurt my feelings. Fine. It hurts but I shouldn't let it ruin my happiness. I don't know what situation that individual is experiencing right now. They might be going through hell.

'My job is going pear-shaped and no one seems to appreciate me. That really attacks my sense of dignity and self-worth but, hey, I know what I'm good at; I know what I can do. Move on and leave the past behind.'

I work in a school and often have children complaining about what another child is saying about them. One thing I always ask is, 'Is it true?' If it's not true, it might hurt but don't believe it. Instead, tell yourself the truth about yourself and believe that instead. That takes practise, believe me, but, at my age, I've had plenty of opportunity to practise - I have had my own share of 'haters'!

Very recently, a child complained about another child who he wasn't getting on well with. It didn't help that he was giving as much grief to the other child as he was receiving - a clear case of tit-for-tat. I suggested that he, instead, try to do or say something kind to the other child every day and see if anything changed. This involves him making a choice. This was very recent but I suspect that, in quite a short time, he will notice a positive change in his relationship with the other child. If you're reading this, ask me if I've noticed a change.

I called this post 'The Discipline of Happiness' because I really believe happiness is a discipline. Consider the situation if that wasn't the case: there would be a lot of unhappy people about who would be miserable at the unfairness of life (yes, they already exist) but, in this instance, their misery would be justified. However, because we can choose happiness over misery, our circumstances do not have to determine our sense of well-being.

What's your take on happiness?

How do you choose happiness?

How do you you respond to events so that the outcome is a happy one?

Please feel free to contribute to this discussion - I'd be delighted to hear what you think. 

The Receipt of Happiness

If you want others to be happy, practice compassion.

If you want to be happy, practice compassion.

Dalai Lama

I hadn't meant to leave it quite so long to update this blog (although I have been posting on one of my other blogs, Live Learn Lead, every few days). And I have been wondering whether I should combine these two blogs because learning to live, learn and lead better surely leads to greater happiness?

I had also intended to post on the theme 'The Discipline of Happiness' but I will leave that until another time as I wanted to get some thoughts down on another theme: 'The Receipt of Happiness'.

In my last post, I suggested that anyone looking for happiness is going the wrong way about it. However, because this does generally seem to be the case (people look for happiness), the commercial sector are milking the opportunity for all its worth, be it selling holidays in the sun, online dating, fashion, self-help books, quick ways to make money - or the latest gadget. All of this is promised (implicitly, if not explicitly) to make you happier.

Balderdash!

Even Zig Ziglar pithily observes: 'Money won't make you happy... but everybody wants to find out for themselves.'

Consider what actually gives you happiness (notice I use the word 'give' - you cannot actually buy happiness). And consider the occasions when you reflect on the fact that you are, in fact, happy - and what it is you are doing (not what it is you have just paid for).

First of all, happiness is not, I believe, some esoteric feeling that arises as a result of some circumstantial event - planned or unplanned. Secondly, happiness is not an occasional feeling of ecstasy but an undercurrent of contentment or fulfilment. I think Doug Larson was correct in his conclusion: 'The world is full of people looking for spectacular happiness while they snub contentment.' People are missing the point and, because of that, they are missing out on happiness.

I really believe happiness is a gift - and as with all gifts, we have to open it and appreciate it. This gift is given through the interactions we have with people and through what we mean to them and they mean to us. This gift is given when we actively seek to make others happy and see the impact. The gift is given, in fact, when we give it to others. In Gretta Brooker Palmer's words: 'Happiness is a by-product of an effort to make someone else happy.'

However, for many of us, this gift becomes cluttered or lost or buried with the inevitable dross of live: we allow the unhappy events of life to smother the happiness of living. (More on that in another post!)

Chasing after happiness is the wrong way to go about it - and not just because it's wrong (because of social etiquette) to chase after gifts: they are a free-will extension of another's affection for us - because of what we mean to them. Chasing after happiness is like currying favour or hunting for compliments - it is meaningless, unsatisfying, demeaning - and it only makes happiness more elusive. We should, in fact, be directing our energies to making others happy - and watch for the happiness we receive in return. Who hasn't experienced happiness on seeing the smile we put on someone else's face? How did that smile get there? Not by chasing happiness, that's for sure.

I suggest that we forget about trying to be happy and try, instead, to be someone else's happiness.

I hope you are in receipt of happiness. How did that happen? On whose face have you put a smile on recently? Do you agree that happiness is an undercurrent rather than a temporal feeling? Please feel free to contribute your thoughts on this: I look forward to reading your comments.

Phil

A Question of Happiness

'The search for happiness is one of the chief sources of unhappiness.'

Eric Hoffer

OK. I'm going to blog about happiness - who hasn't?

The fact is, just about everyone wants to be happy - even if they're happy being miserable. Believe me - those people exist.

There are countless quotes, books, films, websites, consultants and careers which are devoted to that seemingly elusive state of being: happiness. Some of these try hard to alleviate the emptiness that supposedly should be replaced by happiness but, frankly, I think a lot of it is good old-fashioned money-spinning.

The fact is, anyone looking for happiness is, I believe, going the wrong way about it. I don't believe happiness is circumstantial, material or even, dare I say it, emotional - and I don't believe you can find it if you look for it. As Eric Hoffer said, 'The search for happiness is one of the chief sources of unhappiness.'

So, what is happiness? Is it cheerfulness, contentment, satisfaction, bliss, joy, ecstasy - or just a comfortable feeling of wellbeing? An online thesaurus I dipped into offered plentiful suggestions.

I believe some things about happiness but there's a lot more I don't believe: I don't believe you can (or should be) happy all of the time. That would be at least unreal and, at most, sickening (to observers, if not to the subject in question).  

To abuse a well-known saying:

'You can be happy about everything some of the time and you can be happy about some things all of the time - but you can't be happy about everything all of the time.' (with apologies to poet John Lydgate).*

I'm not going to attempt to conclusively define happiness in this blog and nor am I going to let its secrets out (as if I knew them). However, I will try to challenge thinking about the subject and maybe put some minds at rest - and a few of the aforementioned books, websites and consultants out of circulation!

In my next blog, I will write about 'The Discipline of Happiness' (the title of the book I'm going to write one day). I hope you can drop by and contribute to the discussion.

Phil

*According to Scott Dunlop, John Lydgate's famous words were later adapted by President Abraham Lincoln:

'You can please some of the people all of the time, you can please all of the people some of the time, but you can’t please all of the people all of the time.'