The Discipline of Happiness

The happiest people don't necessarily have the best of everything;

they just make the best of everything they have.

(Anonymous)

I often come across quotes about happiness on Twitter (it's clearly a trending topic) and one that crops up regularly is the well-known perspective of Abraham Lincoln:

'Most folks are as happy as they make up their minds to be.'

Whilst researching for this blog post, I even came across a page of happiness quotes. My personal favourite is the anonymous aphorism at the head of this post and there are numerous variations of that one, too.

A couple of years ago, it would never have occurred to me that happiness is a choice. However, more recently (probably as a result of social networking), the concept has been lodged in my brain and I am pretty convinced it's true: happiness is, indeed, a choice.

Let me explain how I came about this.

Years ago, small (and not-so-small) things would distress me: missed opportunities, failures, disappointment, mistakes, unrequited love! Nowadays, well into middle age and with years of experience behind me, I tend to view such occasions with a little more pragmatism: perhaps because I've become more philosophical in my outlook - although certainly not cynical. This is as a result of choosing my response to what happens in my life. I'm not sure how the change happened: it must have been subtle. However, it really is the fact that I now choose how I respond to what life throws at me with considerably more wisdom than in my youth. Perhaps experience has taught me that my response has a direct impact on how I ultimately feel.

Behaviour psychologists use a formula:

E + R = O

Event + Response = Outcome

Events happen and much of what happens has little to do with us. However, our response to events has everything to do with us and, consequently, the eventual outcome is directly influenced by our response.

Consider the driver who cuts you up on the road and causes you to swerve. He or she is nameless and, for many, the object of our pithy derision at their inconsiderate driving. Yes, I could throw insults at the driver and shake my head at his or her apparent incompetence. This will have no effect whatsoever on the driver but will, without a doubt, have a negative impact on how I'm feeling and, if I don't do anything about it, could actually ruin my day. On the other hand, I could shake my head and, at the same time, shake the whole thing off, choosing not to let it affect my journey. I really have no idea why or how the driver behaved in the way they did: for all I know, they could be rushing to hospital to see a dying relative.

By choosing to respond in this way, the event had no lasting negative effect on my emotions, my actions or the outcome of my day: it is just an incidental event that caused hardly a blip on the canvas that is my day. I choose what I put on that canvas - not what happens to me.

This principle can be applied to our well-being, our contentment, our happiness. I don't have to allow life to control the way I feel. I can choose to control the way I respond to what I experience and I can choose to control the way I feel about it.

'The traffic is dreadful. Fine. I can live with that. I'll switch my attention from the traffic to what's on the radio or CD.'

'The train is late. Fine. I might be late but no one has died. I'll read a book while I'm waiting.'

'Someone has hurt my feelings. Fine. It hurts but I shouldn't let it ruin my happiness. I don't know what situation that individual is experiencing right now. They might be going through hell.

'My job is going pear-shaped and no one seems to appreciate me. That really attacks my sense of dignity and self-worth but, hey, I know what I'm good at; I know what I can do. Move on and leave the past behind.'

I work in a school and often have children complaining about what another child is saying about them. One thing I always ask is, 'Is it true?' If it's not true, it might hurt but don't believe it. Instead, tell yourself the truth about yourself and believe that instead. That takes practise, believe me, but, at my age, I've had plenty of opportunity to practise - I have had my own share of 'haters'!

Very recently, a child complained about another child who he wasn't getting on well with. It didn't help that he was giving as much grief to the other child as he was receiving - a clear case of tit-for-tat. I suggested that he, instead, try to do or say something kind to the other child every day and see if anything changed. This involves him making a choice. This was very recent but I suspect that, in quite a short time, he will notice a positive change in his relationship with the other child. If you're reading this, ask me if I've noticed a change.

I called this post 'The Discipline of Happiness' because I really believe happiness is a discipline. Consider the situation if that wasn't the case: there would be a lot of unhappy people about who would be miserable at the unfairness of life (yes, they already exist) but, in this instance, their misery would be justified. However, because we can choose happiness over misery, our circumstances do not have to determine our sense of well-being.

What's your take on happiness?

How do you choose happiness?

How do you you respond to events so that the outcome is a happy one?

Please feel free to contribute to this discussion - I'd be delighted to hear what you think.